#246: How to Get Better at Taking Feedback

Feedback Challenges

Receiving feedback is inherently challenging due to internal tensions and obstacles. Doug Stone explains that while we desire to improve, we also crave acceptance as we are, creating a conflict when receiving feedback 1. He identifies three triggers that block effective feedback reception: truth, relationship, and identity triggers. These triggers often lead to defensiveness, making it difficult to engage with feedback constructively 1. Stone also categorizes feedback into appreciation, coaching, and evaluation, noting that mixing these types can complicate the feedback process 2.

   

Overcoming Triggers

To effectively receive feedback, it's crucial to overcome psychological triggers that make us defensive. Stone suggests being aware of relationship triggers, which often cause us to dismiss feedback from those close to us, like family members 3. He emphasizes the importance of making feedback discussions explicit to avoid repetitive and unproductive conversations 3. Additionally, Stone advises on tactfully rejecting feedback when necessary, ensuring that the context and delivery are considered to maintain relationships 4.

   

Switch Track Conversations

Switch track conversations occur when feedback discussions veer off course due to underlying relationship dynamics. Doug Stone illustrates this with an example from a TV show, where a couple argues about roses but is actually discussing listening and appreciation 5. He notes that these conversations often arise from tension and can be mitigated by addressing each topic separately 6. Recognizing and managing these dynamics can lead to more productive feedback exchanges and prevent misunderstandings.

   

Feedback Interpretation

Misinterpretations of feedback often stem from confusing coaching with evaluation. Stone explains that feedback intended as coaching can be perceived as criticism, leading to negative reactions 7. He highlights the importance of understanding one's wiring and temperament in feedback reception, as these factors influence our interpretations 8. Stone advises separating coaching from evaluation by clarifying the purpose of feedback conversations, which can help individuals focus on improvement rather than feeling judged 9.