005 - Fundamentals: Rules vs. Agreements (ft. Boundaries)
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Episode Highlights
Philosophy Shift
, , and explore the evolving philosophy in polyamory, shifting from rigid rules to flexible agreements. They note that rules often stem from a desire to control behavior, which can lead to negative assumptions about partners 1. Instead, they advocate for agreements that foster open communication and mutual respect, emphasizing that it's not just about semantics but the intent behind these arrangements 2. highlights the importance of understanding the underlying needs and ensuring that any rules or agreements contribute positively to the relationship 3.
More and more people are discouraging rules and not leaning so hard into rules when they're giving advice about getting into polyamory or opening up a relationship.
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This shift reflects a broader change in how relationships are approached, focusing on understanding rather than control.
Impact on Relationships
The impact of rules versus agreements on relationships is profound, affecting trust and communication. explains that rules often arise from a lack of trust, leading to dissatisfaction and resentment 4. adds that rules can create a false sense of security, where partners follow them out of obligation rather than genuine care 5. This dynamic can prevent partners from addressing deeper incompatibilities, as rules mask underlying issues instead of resolving them 6.
It's not because they're so necessarily invested in taking care of you and your feelings or so invested in making sure that the two of you have a good evening together.
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Ultimately, agreements encourage healthier communication and a more authentic connection.
Training Wheels
The concept of using rules as "training wheels" offers a temporary solution as relationships evolve. suggests that rules can provide initial stability but should not become permanent fixtures 7. As relationships grow, these "training wheels" can hinder progress, much like how they limit a bike's maneuverability 8. emphasizes the importance of flexibility, encouraging couples to adapt their agreements as their relationship deepens.
Training wheels are not welded onto your bike when you get it, they're designed to be put on and put off.
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This metaphor illustrates the need for adaptability and growth in relationship dynamics.