265: Addressing Our Shame

Emotional Openness

Encouraging emotional openness in relationships can be challenging, especially when a partner is defensive or reluctant to express their feelings. Dr. Margaret Rutherford suggests that instead of trying to "get" a partner to open up, one might consider seeking therapy themselves. This can spark curiosity in the partner, potentially leading them to explore their own emotions. She emphasizes using empathetic language to express concern, such as saying, "I watch you struggle and I get sad because I don't know how to help," which can reduce defensiveness and invite more open communication 1.

Sometimes I watch you struggle so much and I get sad and I get scared because I don't know how to help.

--- Dr. Margaret Rutherford

Additionally, Dr. Rutherford discusses how individuals may hide their shame by creating a facade of a perfect life, which can prevent them from accessing their emotional pain 2.

   

Therapeutic Role

Therapy plays a crucial role in managing shame within relationships, offering a safe space for individuals to explore their emotions. Chase Kosterlitz highlights the importance of therapy in personal growth and relationship enhancement, noting that platforms like BetterHelp provide accessible counseling options 3. Dr. Rutherford underscores the complexity of shame, which can stem from various sources such as neglect, abuse, or cultural influences. She recommends resources like her own book and Brene Brown's work to help individuals address their inner shame through practical exercises 4.

Shame is a huge topic because it can have so many beginnings. It can be a neglect, it could be an abuse, it can be an oh goodness. It can be a cultural thing, it can be a family dynamic.

--- Dr. Margaret Rutherford

By focusing on actionable strategies, individuals can work towards quieting their inner shame and improving their relationships.