F*** The Spark: The Science Of Finding A Partner

The Spark Myth

The concept of "the spark" often misleads people in their dating lives, as it places undue emphasis on initial chemistry. Logan Ury explains that many people use the lack of an immediate spark as a reason to dismiss potential partners, despite having a great time on a date 1. She debunks myths around the spark, noting that it doesn't necessarily indicate a good match and can even be misleading when someone is naturally charismatic or narcissistic 1.

The spark cannot grow. And that's absolutely not true. We have research that shows that only 11% of people feel love at first sight or felt love at first sight with their partner.

--- Logan Ury

Damona Hoffman adds that focusing on the spark can lead to staying in relationships for the wrong reasons, like a romanticized "how we met" story 2.

   

Value of Slow Burn

Slow-burn relationships often lead to more fulfilling and lasting partnerships compared to those based on instant chemistry. Logan Ury encourages people to focus on partners who make them feel valued and appreciated over time, rather than those who provide an initial thrill 2. She suggests adopting a mindset of going on at least two dates to truly get to know someone, which can help uncover "diamonds in the rough" who might not shine immediately 3.

Oftentimes slow burn people are overlooked because they don't give off that initial spark and people don't go on the second date with them, but they truly make some of the best long term partners.

--- Logan Ury

Damona Hoffman shares her three-date rule, emphasizing the importance of giving relationships time to develop beyond the first impression 2.