248 - Playing Monogamy with Simon(e) van Saarloos

Cultural Views

Simon(e) van Saarloos explores how non-monogamy is perceived culturally, challenging the notion of it as merely a lifestyle choice. She argues that non-monogamy should be seen as a tool to question cultural norms rather than a commodified identity 1. Simon(e) highlights the gap between academic and public discourse on non-monogamy, noting the lack of European perspectives in the literature 2.

Non-monogamy is made safe by saying, like, oh, well, it's something you don't have to do. It's my choice, maybe. And I came to the conclusion it works better for me.

--- Simon(e) van Saarloos

She emphasizes the importance of understanding how monogamy is culturally embedded and how non-monogamy can disrupt these norms.

   

Identity & Norms

Non-monogamy intersects with identity and societal norms, often challenging the traditional views of relationships. Simon(e) discusses how non-monogamy can be both a personal choice and a societal statement, questioning the safety and privilege associated with monogamous relationships 3. She critiques the rigid identity labels that society imposes, which can limit the acceptance of diverse relationship structures 4.

I want non-monogamy to be a bit dangerous, is that I also kind of, when I think about, you know, like, the New York Times way of presenting polyamory, it is indeed so much made to be about a lifestyle.

--- Simon(e) van Saarloos

Simon(e) advocates for a more fluid understanding of identity that embraces non-monogamous practices.

   

Challenging Norms

The discussion on deconstructing monogamous norms reveals the societal constructs that dictate relationship progressions. Simon(e) challenges the "relationship escalator," which assumes a linear progression in relationships, arguing that this mindset limits personal and societal growth 5. She also questions the association of safety with monogamy, suggesting that it may perpetuate inequalities and hinder authentic connections 6.

The nuclear family is instrumentalized to keep your own sort of... safe.

--- Simon(e) van Saarloos

Simon(e) calls for a reevaluation of how safety and progress are perceived within the context of relationships.