Reducing Defensiveness
Bringing up concerns in a relationship can often lead to defensiveness, but using "I" statements and focusing on feelings rather than character flaws can help. It's essential to avoid absolutes like "always" or "never," as these trigger defensive reactions. When faced with criticism, recognizing defensiveness and taking responsibility can foster connection instead of conflict.In this clip
From this podcast
Relationship Advice
325: Unfair Relationship Expectations
Related Questions
My partner doesn't seem to think it might not be healthy or productive to allow the hurt partner to have their "moment in the spotlight" while discussing that person's hurt or concern. For example, if I come to him with something I'm sad about, he responds with comments about how I do that too, or how I do XYZ and it hurts him, or else he will bring up how he hasn't healed from the dinner with the ex. He also seems to consider every disagreement or discussion about relationship issues that need a compromise as a "fight," and he often gets very angry, starts yelling, and tells me to leave the room.
He gets defensive immediately, even if I'm careful to use "I" statements and avoid personalizing anything. It feels like any concern or issue I raise is perceived as an attack, despite my efforts to remind him that I'm his teammate. He frequently defers to comments like, "Oh, because you're always right, huh?" or accuses me of manipulating the situation because I'm a lawyer and he's not. When I seek advice from others, he often dismisses it as me being bossy or cocky.
When discussing the importance of therapy to work on handling his intrusive thoughts and cognitive distortions that sabotage healthy communication, he acts as if I'm only researching one point of view, and he dismisses the idea that he needs therapy. He argues that his feelings are his own, and nobody should tell him how to feel, claiming that it would be inauthentic to ignore his feelings because they define who he is.