284: How To Create Real Change In Your Relationship

Communication Gaps

Addressing communication gaps in relationships requires recognizing non-verbal cues and using effective language. Joli Hamilton emphasizes the importance of staying curious and using neutral language to invite partners to share more openly. She suggests using "I" statements to express feelings and needs clearly, which can help achieve closure in conversations 1. Hamilton explains:

I have to start with I. So that's just the during, but you actually just modeled for us. A great way to get closure on a conversation.

--- Joli Hamilton

Taking notes during discussions can also help partners remember key points and agreements, ensuring continuity in future conversations 2.

   

Ending Conversations

Concluding intense discussions effectively is crucial for maintaining healthy communication. Joli Hamilton introduces the concept of "de-rolling," a technique borrowed from therapeutic and BDSM contexts, to help partners reconnect after difficult conversations 3. This involves turning towards each other, making eye contact, and affirming the relationship despite unresolved issues. Hamilton notes:

The second or third time, you debrief, you de-roll that way, and you get back to like, okay, we're each other's partners and we're doing this.

--- Joli Hamilton

This practice can transform how partners handle disagreements, fostering a sense of unity and readiness for future discussions 4.

   

Breakthroughs

Recognizing when external help is needed can lead to breakthroughs in communication. Joli Hamilton suggests that repetitive issues may signal the need for a third party, like a therapist, to facilitate new perspectives 5. She highlights the importance of changing contexts, such as discussing issues in a different setting, to refresh communication dynamics. Hamilton explains:

You could read a book, you could listen to a podcast like this together and then talk about it.

--- Joli Hamilton

These strategies can help couples move past stagnation and foster more effective communication patterns 6.