Trauma Doesn't Like to Be Touched

Recoil

The instinctive recoil from touch, rooted in past trauma, poses a significant challenge for one partner in the relationship. Esther Perel explains that trauma often triggers a fight, flight, or freeze response, which can manifest physically even years later 1. This physical reaction is not a rejection of the partner but a protective mechanism.

When it comes to trauma, the body keeps the score.

--- Esther Perel

Understanding this distinction is crucial for the partner who is more physical, as it helps them remain steady and supportive, recognizing that the recoil is not personal 2.

   

Vulnerability

Embracing vulnerability through touch can foster emotional connection, despite fears stemming from past abuse. Esther Perel encourages the couple to reinforce each other positively, highlighting the importance of expressing enjoyment in giving and receiving affection 3. This approach helps shift the focus from fulfilling a need to genuinely enjoying the connection.

I want you to say, it's all right. I'm here. You are safe.

--- Esther Perel

By maintaining eye contact and verbal reassurance, the couple can create a safe space that allows them to feel grounded and connected, transforming fear into trust.