005 - Fundamentals: Rules vs. Agreements (ft. Boundaries)

Reactance

Reactance theory highlights how controlling rules can backfire by triggering resistance. Dedeker Winston explains that when people perceive their freedom is threatened, they often react with anger and defiance, even if they're not aware of it 1. This is evident in everyday scenarios, like ignoring a sign that prohibits writing on a wall, as people feel compelled to assert their autonomy 1. Jase Lindgren shares a personal anecdote about feeling resistant when reminded to do chores, illustrating how reactance can manifest in relationships 1.

I was literally getting out of the chair to go do it. And Dedeker calls from the other room and is like, hey, put the laundry in. Don't forget to do that. And I was just like. And you were like, no, I don't want to.

--- Jase Lindgren

Reactance is particularly strong when important freedoms are restricted, leading to a fear that more freedoms might be taken away. This can even occur vicariously, as Emily Matlack notes, when witnessing others' freedoms being limited 2.

   

Messaging

Effective messaging can mitigate reactance by affirming choice and using supportive language. Dedeker Winston discusses research showing that messages allowing personal choice lead to higher compliance 3. Jase Lindgren likens this to reverse psychology, where the freedom to choose encourages desired behaviors 3.

It's not exactly reverse psychology, but reverse psychology actually is based on this idea of reactance, or is intertwined with it.

--- Jase Lindgren

Emily Matlack highlights the pitfalls of rule-bound relationships, where rigid rules can lead to inflexibility and conflict 4. She emphasizes that rules often fail to account for unforeseen circumstances, leading to a "dictionary-sized book of rules" that complicates relationships 4.