#94: Stop Anxious Chatter & Harness Your Inner Voice with Ethan Kross

Self-Talk

Ethan Kross emphasizes the power of self-talk in managing stress and emotions. He explains how using one's name in self-talk can shift the mindset from threat to challenge, allowing individuals to coach themselves through difficult situations. This technique, known as distance self-talk, helps create psychological space, making it easier to approach problems objectively.

You're coaching yourself through it. So, a great example. This is an interview that Jennifer Lawrence was giving with the New York Times a couple of years ago. And the reporter for the Times started asking her hard hitting questions. And at one point, it was getting pretty intense. She stopped and she said, okay, jennifer, get your act together. It's essentially she's talking to herself. Like, this is what she would say to a friend. And you started doing it, too. Okay, heather, here's what you're going to do. You're walking yourself through the problem, and it's not importantly, this kind of frantic, oh, my God, what if this happens? I'm going to screw up. I'm going to screw up instead. It's very challenge oriented. It's like, okay, I can manage this situation. Here's what you're going to do. I think it's important to emphasize that in our studies, like when we look at what people, we find that when you use your name or this, what we call distance self talk, it really changes your internal monologue.

--- Ethan Kross

Heather Monahan shares her experience of managing internal dialogue by focusing on the positive aspects and keeping a broader perspective 1 2 3.

   

Negative Thoughts

Kross discusses the detrimental effects of negative thought loops and offers strategies to break free from these mental spirals. He explains that negative chatter often results from problem-solving attempts gone awry, leading to a cycle of anxiety and depression. Recognizing when one is stuck in such loops is crucial, as is the discipline to avoid indulging in them.

Chatter is problem solving gone awry. When bad things happen, we tend to focus inward to find solutions to our problems so we can move on. It's a very natural, adaptive response. That ability makes us human, and it's what distinguishes us from every other species. Our ability to use our mind to solve problems and language. But when emotions are involved, we often, against our best intentions, just slide into that tunnel vision zoomed in mode where we get stuck, you know, like a gerbil on an exercise wheel. We don't get anywhere. If you could avoid doing that, great, that would be fantastic. And I think it's something to certainly aspire to. But I wouldn't get too down on yourself if you find yourself slipping into chatter, because it's a very human experience. And the good news is that there are lots of things you can do if you find yourself going down the rabbit hole.

--- Ethan Kross

Heather reflects on her own experiences with negative chatter and how distraction can serve as a temporary relief, though it's essential to address the underlying issues eventually 4 5 6.

   

Chatter Advisors

The role of others in managing our inner voice is highlighted by Kross, who stresses the importance of choosing the right people as chatter advisors. He notes that while some individuals can help broaden perspectives and offer empathy, others may inadvertently exacerbate negative chatter. Finding someone who can both listen and help reframe experiences is key.

Yeah. Your son is like, is a great chatter advisor. That's a great intuition he had. And it actually. It raises, I think, a very important point that I talk about in the book, which is other people are in a unique position to help us when we're dealing with chatter, but they can also actually harm us. So you have to find the right people to talk to, and not everyone will do so. There are some people who I love dearly, and I'm pretty sure they love me. I don't go to them when I have chatter, because I know that the talking with them is not going to help me feel better. It'll actually make me feel worse. And so I think it's really important to think about, well, what makes another person a good chatter advisor, someone who really helps you. And there's science that illuminates the way here. And so what you ideally want is someone who you can find to talk to, who you can share what you're feeling. You can express your emotions.

--- Ethan Kross

Heather and Kross also discuss the importance of disseminating knowledge about these tools to empower individuals, particularly those in challenging situations, to manage their inner voice effectively 7 8.